


Bilba's Bust

by Lady_Juno



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Arkenstone - Freeform, Epic Fail, F/M, Gold Sickness, fem!Bilbo, girl!Bilbo, lady!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Juno/pseuds/Lady_Juno
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece/sideways filler to <em>An Eyeful (Billa's Skirt)</em>, in which our intrepid burglar tries to use feminine confidence and sex appeal, and fails miserably. One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bilba's Bust

**Author's Note:**

> In an effort to fill my Archive with more completed fics, I give you a load of serious crack. This is an off-the-wall one-shot, and I hope you enjoy it quite thoroughly. There may be more stories from this AU, but they will be scattered at best.

Thorin stared at her in the dim light of the hall, the flat of his blade trapping her in the tunnel while Smaug's deeper-than-earth laughter echoed up the passage behind them.

"Did you find it? Did you find the Arkenstone?" His tone was earnest. Perhaps too earnest. Bilba could see the intense, excited gleam in his eyes, and Smaug's words came back to her.

_"You'll get to watch him, little thief. Watch him descend into madness like his forebears. The line of Durin will end in dishonor while Smaug the Golden lives on, King Under the Mountain forevermore."_

Her hand twitched toward her pocket, and Thorin's eyes widened. "You did find it. Give it to me." His tone, so harsh and sudden, actually scared her a little. Bilba shook her head, retreating a step.

"Give me the Stone." The dwarf was advancing on her now, the sword swinging around to point at her chest. Bilba scrambled for something, anything, that might get her out of this.

"Thorin, we really should be going. The dragon-"

"Give me the Stone!" The point of the blade now touched her chin, and the hobbit froze. There was something wrong with this whole situation.

_“If you ever want to keep something away from a man, just stick it down your shirt and dare him to come get it. Half the time, it’ll get ‘em to back off. The other half, it’ll get ‘em close enough to hit ‘em where it hurts.”_

Nori had been the one that had said that. The female dwarf had certainly used the technique to great effect against Dwalin, and if it worked against the bald warrior, why not against Thorin? It was a crazy idea, but what else did she have right now? Bilba set her jaw and yanked the Arkenstone out of her pocket, making sure Thorin saw it as she slipped it down between her full breasts. The Stone was cold in spite of the time it’d spent in her pocket, and she shivered, feeling the heat rise in her cheeks.

“You want it? Then do something about it.” She was pleased when her tone came across as cocky, rather than uneasy. She wasn’t so pleased when Thorin let the point of his sword drop and advanced on her. Bilba had honestly expected him to look somewhat embarrassed, turn away and mumble some excuse about how he would get it later. Never had the halfling thought she would feel Thorin’s hand plunge into her cleavage, grasp the Arkenstone and withdraw it without so much as a second’s hesitation.

“Don’t mess with me, Baggins,” he growled, stuffing the Stone into his own pocket and turning to leave. Bilba’s cheeks burned with shame, but she was less concerned about the way her blouse was now askew than she was about Thorin, and how the dragon might have been right. Adjusting her blouse and pulling her jacket tightly closed about her, the burglar lowered her head and followed him, wondering how much of that exchange Smaug had been able to hear.

 


End file.
